The Greatest Jokes Thread Ever

[mkrishlive]

Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A. No, I said he was shot in the LUMBAR region.

Q. Are you married?
A. No, I'm divorced.
Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didn't know about.

[mkrishlive]

Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A. No.
Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A. Picking them up in the air.
Q. Where was the dog at this time?
A. Attached to the ears.

Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.?
What school do you go to?
A. Oral.
Q. How old are you?
A. Oral.

[mkrishlive]

Q: Why did god give surds 2% more brains than horses?
A: Because he didn't want them shitting in the streets during parades.

Q: How do you confuse a surd?
A: You don't. They're born that way.

[mkrishlive]

Q: How do you keep a surd in suspense?
A: (I'll tell you tomorrow.)

Q: How do you keep a surd busy?
A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.
OR
A: Ask him 2 count the number of corners in a circular room

[mkrishlive]

Q: Why can't surds make ice cubes?
A: They always forget the recipe.

Q: How did the surd try to kill the bird?
A: He threw it off a cliff.

[Ashok]

A boy scout, Bill Gates, George Bush and the Pope were on a flight when the pilot announced that the plane was going to crash and that there was only four parachutes and that he was taking one. He then jumped.

Bill Gates said, "I'm the smartest man in the world, people need me." So he took a parachute and he jumped.

George Bush said, "I'm the President of the United States, my country is depending on me." So he took a parachute and he jumped.

The Pope looked at the boy scout and said, "Son, I've lived a long time, I know that I will be with God, you take the last parachute."

The boy scout replied, "We can both jump, Bill Gates took my knapsack."

[Ashok]

One day in the great forest a magical frog was walking down to a water hole.

This forest was so big that the frog had never seen another animal in all his life.

By chance today a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner.

The frog called for the two to stop.

The frog said, "Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant you both three wishes... Bear, you go first."

The bear thought for a minute, and being the male he was, said, "I wish for all the bears in this forest, besides me, to be female."

For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on.

The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that.

It was the bear's second turn for a wish.

"Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well."

Rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and gunned the engine.

The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for these stupid things, after all, he could have asked for money and bought the motorcycle.

For the last wish the bear thought for a while and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, besides me, were female."

The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said, "I wish the bear was gay."

[Ashok]

A policeman interrogates three blondes who are training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for five seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well, uh, thats because the picture shows his profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for five seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?! Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmm - the suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspects file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I cant believe it. It's true! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

[mkrishlive]

Q: Do you drink when you're on duty?
A: I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.

Q: What can you tell us about he truthfulness and veracity of this defendant?
A: Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she'd kill that sonofabitch- and she did!

[Ashok]

A train hits a bus load of catholic school girls and they all perish. They all wind up in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter.

St. Peter asks the first girl, "Karen, have you ever had any contact with a penis?"

She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger."

St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in the holy water and pass through the gate."

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Karina, have you ever had any contact with a penis?"

The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well, once I fondled and stroked one."

St. Peter says, "OK, dip your whole hand in the holy water and pass through the gate."

All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of the queue. When she reaches the front St. Peter says, "Sharon! What seems to be the rush?"

The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that holy water, I want to do it before Mandy sticks her ass in it."